The One word that sets your conversation up for failure

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Starting off a confrontation with “YOU” sets you up for immediate failure.

We cannot ever resolve an issue if we Blame, Shame or Criticise.


Using the word “YOU” is inherently making accusations - and human nature will dictate an immediate DEFENCE.

If we blame, shame and criticise, it’s game over.


Starting with “YOU” will quickly escalate into a scream off - with each party trying to get their point across.

If we blame, shame and criticise, we will continue the cycle of frustration.



Replace the word “YOU” with “I FEEL”.

What does this do?

“I FEEL…” removes the finger point (the blame, the shame, the criticism).

It gives us permission to state how we feel.

It creates a safe place to do so because your spouse does not feel under attack.

When he’s not threatened - he’s more likely embrace and allow you to express how you feel.

No-one can judge, dismiss or invalidate (though they may) - but the point is - it is how you feel and you have every piece of permission to feel this way. You are safe in this place.

We are quick to blame (because, heck, it’s never our fault!*)

(*please note sarcasm)

We cannot accept personal responsibility.

Will create defensiveness - you will not get anywhere.

Use I feel statements

They are a softer start - and they can still communicate the same thing.




Remove “YOU”

Replace with “I FEEL”

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Next time you have to get something off your chest - try these phrases and get creative! Would love to hear what's worked for you. xx

My Beef with Uber Eats...

Here's My Beef with Uber Eats*... 

(And other Clickers) 

(Clickers, loosely defined; product/service which provides "Immediacy" and feeds into our instant gratification) 

One step ahead with making life efficient. 
One step ahead with making life more convenient.
One step ahead with more time to enjoy 'the things we love'. 

But, has it really?

You see, I have a really firm belief. 
I believe the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships. 

Are these Clickers addin to that? Or moving us away from it?

Is there a greater joy than to connect with our favourite humans? 

Feeling the ambience of a room and being delighted by their presence. 
Looking into their eyes and feeling their pain. 
Seeing their smile and celebrating victories with them.
Hearing a tremor in their voice and asking if they are ok. 
Eating a meal prepared together; having shared why my mum thinks this brand of fish sauce is better. 
Smelling diffused essential oils, and learning how the smell of Lavender reminds them of their childhood. 

Enter technology. 
The very thing that advances us one step forward, actually brings us two steps backwards. 

After Pay. 
Uber Eats. 
Cashless Card. 
Google Home. 

Call me a pessimist, but I see our already running thin patience get a nose dive. 

We've already gone to internet banking because lining up at the teller takes too long. 

At this stage, you've worked out I don't have an aversion to technology. 
Nor services that improve our lives. 
I am merely observing what Clicker not Uber Eats per se... but goods/services that serve Instant Gratification
"I Want It Now - So I Am Getting It Now")

So, it's not that I don't like technology. 
We're evolving. It has to happen. It is important. 

It's just that, our relationships with others are MORE IMPORTANT. 

Want a meal?
Uber Eats. (Now) 

Not enough dosh for that pressie?
After Pay. (Now) 

Need to know what sound a kookaburra makes?
Google Home. (Now) 

Want to get cash out cos someone else needs money and lost their card and you can send them an SMS to give them money?
Cardless Cash (Now). 

When we operate with such conveniences, and our neural pathways like this instantaneous response, what happens when "real life" stuff starts to unfold?
Like the death of a parent? 
Like the loss of a job?
Like the conflict that occurs in relationships?

How are we equipped to deal with these things?

We don't have the training ground to relate to others
(no need to speak to ticket administrator, we must pre purchase our travel tickets) 

It's bad enough millials were brought up on messenger. 
But watch them deal with a relationship breakdown. 
They go into mayhem. 
Their brains are in flight mode because they do not know how to deal with it. 
You cannot microwave a marriage. 
Clickers have removed a fundamental piece of the relationship pie: Patience. 

And I've sat back and seen first hand anecotdally what Clickers have done to our Millenium generation. 
And it's more and more prevelant. 

You can't microwave a marriage.  
You can't instantly be patient. 

Clickers and other 21st century conveniences will weaken our patience and ability to remain present in marriage if we don't take stock of it. 

What's a solution?

1. Be aware and conscious of how Instant Gratification products/services diminish our patience.

2. Find ways to practice patience. (i.e. This is the hard part - because this is the 'going out of your way' part. This is the where the reward lies! ) 

e.g. Instead of calling Uber Eats, go for a walk together. Hold hands while go to get dinner. If walking distance is not feasible, jump in the car together. Use the time to connect.  

e.g. Go on a weekend drive an hour out of your city with NO IPADS. Kids will ask the question "are we there yet? are we there yet?" - which will drive you bonkers - but this is 'part of the patience training'. Get creative to bond as a family, play eye spy, drop into a local farm who is selling honey - go up and say hello to them and buy some local produce. 

e.g. Walk into a teller at the bank instead of depositing cash at the ATM. Join a longer que in a supermarket. Instead of being annoyed with your parents' technological ineptitude - use this as time to connect with them, and be patient. Show them step by step how to send a message in messenger, instead of doing it for them.   

Whether your investing time, money or energy into making your marriage better, remember LOVE IS ALWAYS WORTH IT. 


How To Immediately Make More Time In Your Day

Received this message last week from one of you beauties. 
(Thank you! I love receiving messages!)

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So many universal truths in this message: 
- We are all time poor
- So many areas demand our time
- We can feel depleted when time is poured to everyone else

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED that this smart chicky babe is putting herself first. She is going out of her way to think of how to make marriage a priority. And she recognises when she is really lacking "me time".


Because why?

When we get to the place of "I don't have time for that" it can become a habitual saying.

Sayings > become our thoughts
Thoughts > become our beliefs
Beliefs > become our reality

And things can REALLY get into disarray if you ever find yourself saying,

"Don't have time to sit and chat with my husband"
"Don't have time for date night"
"Too tired for sex" or, anything that falls under:
"Don't have time for my marriage".

A mentor once shared:

The state of overwhelm is almost always traced back to a lack of boundary setting.


Ask this of everyone you encounter:

Is the person I am spending time with worth:

3 minutes of my time?
30 minutes of my time?
3 hours of my time?


By asking yourself this question to EVERY person you encounter, you take stock of where your time is being spent. When you realise the 3 hour lunch with that friend drained (instead of energising you), you quickly realise this friend is a 30 minute person, not a 3 hour person.

We have interactions with people all the time.

But what counts are those that are adding value, joy and growth into your life.

Who comes to mind when I ask: Who DRAINS you?

Who comes to mind when I ask: Who INSPIRES you?

How much TIME do you spend with them?

Be honest with yourself when answering these questions.

Your soul and your marriage depend on it.

I did a FB live and went into greater detail, with an example of someone who used to suck the life out of me and I didn't even realise it. (>>>Check out the FB page and you can find the video there<<<)

Now that I am so much more conscious of where my time is spent, I can make that homemade meal my husband loves.

Would love to hear your comments and thoughts on this.